Home is where the heart is?

Sorry blog world. It's been awhile, and not for lack of things to write about. It has been a very eventful month. I reached a tipping point at my job where I realized I need to move on sooner rather than later. This leaves me with a really difficult question. Where do I look for jobs? I still don't really know the answer.

I don't know where I want to be, but I know I do not like Boston. Like any place Boston has it's redeeming qualities, but mostly I find it drab. The summer is short and the winter is long, and like the weather, the people are not particularly warm. The cost of living is really high. The population is not very diverse (where else do you see a predominantly white crowd come out of an NBA game?!?). It feels like everyone is in a hurry all the time. On a more personal level- outside of work I don't have friends here. And it's so far away from Ohio and so expensive to travel there that I haven't seen my family in a year!

So you're probably wondering why I haven't left yet? Well finances are a big part of it, but there's also the beau. I love him more and more everyday, and this is where he wants to be and plans to be for the next  4+ years (graduate school). Things between us went from moving at snailspeed to moving much more quickly just in the last month and a half. We said our I love yous and I spent Thanksgiving in New York with his family. We've even talked about him meeting my family.

Speaking of my family. Growing up a military brat, home was always where my Mom was (the house we lived in in Portland, TX is above). I would really like to live near them for the next few years. I feel like I'm missing my sister's entire life. She just turned 15, she's in her first year of highschool and getting into all sorts of trouble. I've seen her so little over the last two years that I still see her as 12 in my head. I really want to be closer to her so she has a role model, but also a friend. I can't imagine having her parents divorce has been easy on her and it sure as hell hasn't been easy on my mom. I want to be there to pick up the pieces, but I hate Ohio even more than Boston and I know I could never be happy or have my own life there.

Where do I see myself? Well, I'm conflicted. There are so many feelings and ideas floating around my head all the time- I think I'd like to settle down in Maryland, eventually. I might like to live in New Orleans for a year or two or go back to Austin, where my furniture and belongings are in storage. I might also want to go to graduate school eventually. Would Boston feel better if I had a job I actually enjoyed or if I felt I was here with a purpose, like graduate school?

Home is where the heart is, or at least that's what I hear. Well my heart is here with my beau, and in Ohio with my family. But neither place feels like home, so I don't know what to do.

Halloween!

I have been pretty under the weather lately both in terms of my health and my general mood, so I'm going to blog about something fun: Halloween!
I love any excuse to wear a costume or dress up- theme parties, plays, holidays, etc. So naturally, I love Halloween. This year presented an unique challenge: a theme. I'm going to a friend's birthday party and the theme is look like a book- so essentially dress like a character from a book.
Naturally, I'm bringing my beau with me. After a lot of brainstorming and window shopping we decided to do something together. We're dressing as characters from Homer's the Odyssey. The beau is going as Odysseus, obviously. My original thought was Penelope, Odysseus's wife, but now I'm leaning more toward Athena, the goddess of war, civilization, wisdom, strength, strategy, crafts, justice and skill. Athena heavily assists Odysseus in his journey.
Which ever character I end up going with my costume is the same. I didn't want to spend a lot of money so I'm going with a dress I already have. It's olive green with kind of a draped look and an uneven hem.
I'm accessorizing with a gold and bronze braided headband, bronze medalion earrings, gold sandals and a pewter arm band. Tomorrow I'm going to go to a craft store to get some gold rope and some fabric to make a cloak or some draping with to make it a little more toga-esque.

"significant other"

There are a lot of terms that can be used to refer to the person with whom you are romantically involved. There is the prototypical boyfriend/ girlfriend or husband/ wife. There are derogatory/ possessive terms- bitch, ho, old lady, ball and chain, sugar daddy, etc (ever notice most of those are for women?). Then there are the generic, non gender specific "significant other", spouse, partner, boo, sweetie, etc.

It's hard to find the right terms to fit your relationship. You have to consider gender, how serious the relationship is, is it exclusive or open, monogamous or polyamorous?

I feel like I've outgrown boyfriend/ girlfirend. I refer to the two main guys from my past as my "highschool boyfriend" and my "college boyfriend" so it feels wrong to refer to the man in my life right now as a boyfriend. So what do I call him then?

Husband, spouse and any derogatory or possessive terms are obviously out. Significant other is something you see on a form... I like partner. It's gender neutral and egalitarian, but I feel that it is a little too strong for where we're at right now. I don't really like sugary terms like sweetie or hunny, and I call my bff Katy boo... so those are out.

I've decided I like beau. (pronounced like bow). According to dictionary.com, beau is "a frequent and attentive male companion". That seems accurate. Plus, it has an old feel too it and reminds me of an Oscar Wilde play.

What do you call your "significant other(s)"?

Femininity, feminism- inner conflicts

This post is in response to an article sent to me by Sydney, one of my oldest friends (we met when we sat next to each other in Ms. Cox's math class in 5th grade) and also a response to some feelings about gender roles that have been causing quite the internal struggle for me as of late.

I am a woman, I am 23 years old... and I am a feminist. It took me about 20 years of my life to be able to comfortably understand and state that I am a feminist- partly due to the social stigma around the word, and partly for the lack of a label for feelings I can trace back to my step father's unwillingness to chip in around the house or change my sister's diapers (that's a story for another day).

I am a feminist for many reasons, but choice, equality, and freedom lie at the center of all of those reasons. I believe that all people should be allotted the same opportunities and freedoms, regardless of their anatomy or gender expression. I am a feminist, but I am not androgynous at all.

For better or for worse I am a very feminine person. Some of my feminine qualities I find very attractive- I like that I am nurturing, warm, and intuitive, and that I am not violent, or aggressive. Some qualities I find very troublesome- I am apologetic to a fault and I avoid conflict, often times to my own detriment.

Recently a coworker made the observation that many of the women in my current social circle are not interested in commitment or monogamy. I agreed with the observation, but this does not describe me.

I like commitment! I like monogamy! I want a family!

I tried doing the single girl sex and the city, having unattached sex thing for a year. It wasn't for me, and it ended about 8 months ago when I started seriously seeing my current beau. With the exception of that year, I have been in a committed, monogamous relationship since I was 15. I dated my high school sweetheart for almost 4 years, the last year of which we spent engaged. I went straight from that relationship into dating my college boyfriend for a little over 2 years.

A few weeks ago I visited one of my best friends in New Orleans. This trip happened to occur right after my beau told me that he had not told his mother we were seeing each other, and after I'd been grappling with whether to say those oh-so-significant three words to him for a few weeks.

On this trip I stayed with my friend Katy and her sister, brother in law, niece and nephew. Katy's sister is only 25, but is married and has two adorable children. It was through staying with this family that I realized I want a family sooner rather than later. This realization came out in a late night confession to Katy on her porch. Katy did not judge me or think less of my when I told her I felt this way.

It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders! I don't have to feel like a freak for wanting these things. Feminism is, after all, about choice. I can choose to have a family, and that's ok. Now the bigger dilemma is figuring out how to express these desires, and those three words to the man that I am falling for more and more every day. And the biggest dilemma for me will be finding the strength to walk away if we don't want the same things.

I'll get back to you when I figure that one out.

The article that kinda brought this on: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-reynolds/what-is-femininity_b_748070.html

Recipe for a diet

My childhood can be divided into two periods: before stepdad and after. The same can be said for my childhood history with food.  Before sd, my single mother and I lived a very simple midwestern life.We were on foodstamps. Our diet was very meat and potatoes.Inexpensive ingredients grouped to make hearty foods. Many of these meat and potato dishes were prepared by the other women in my family. My aunt makes amazing homemade chicken pot pie, my great grandmother made delicious homemade noodles which she would cook in chicken broth and serve on top of mashed potatoes. My mom was never much of a cook, before or after sd, which is funny because he always claims to have fallen for her lasagna (mediocre). A mediocre lasagna to attract a less than mediocre husband (now ex).

After stepdad came the world of budgets, and meticulously planned menus. I was never hungry, but the quality of the food was less than stellar. What a lot of people fail to realize is being lower middle class means eating a lot of prepackaged, poor nutritional value foods. My mom rarely splurged for fresh vegetables, and when she did she only ever bought potatoes, onions, peppers and on occasion carrots and lettuce. Our meals usually featured ground beef as the primary ingredient: sloppy joes, hamburger helper, spaghetti (that consisted of canned sauce, ground beef and angel hair pasta with Parmesan), chili-mac, Shepard's pie, and tacos. We had the occasional chicken, cube steak or pork chop break, but it was ground beef about 4 days a week. Since moving out, with the exception of the very occasional cheeseburger I can no longer bring myself to consume ground beef.

The first thing I learned how to cook is still a comfort food: chicken/ tuna noodle casserole. The ingredients are simple: cream of something soup, a can of tuna or chicken, frozen peas, egg noodles, shredded cheese.  Growing up it was always cream of chicken soup and canned chicken in college it was cream of celery and tuna. I chose the latter version for my last "pre-diet" meal on sunday.

Going away to college I weighed a lithe 135 pounds (I'm 5' 7"). I always felt big in high school because I was bigger than my mom and curvier than most of the girls in my classes, so I was stressed about college weight gain. You see, most girls gain the freshman 15. I gained 15 pounds- per semester. It wasn't until a few years later that I realized that was actually a healthy weight gain for me. I didn't gain weight because of late night pizza, binge drinking or loading my plate with french fries at the dining hall. I gained weight because for the first time in my life I was eating mostly good, nutritious food. I finished my freshman year at 165 pounds. I felt huge.

By my junior year I accepted that I was not blessed with the skinny genes in my family. I stopped caring and started loving food. My college boyfriend furthered this romance. The two years I dated him turned me into a foodie.

I started eating things that my midwestern roots found exciting and romantic. Things I had never experienced before: ceviche, sushi, curries, calamari, hummus, crab meat, brie, taboule, goat cheese, mango, zucchini, asparagus... I also started to eat my feelings. Up late studying- eat something. Fight with boyfriend- eat something. Drunk- eat something. Bored- eat something. Stressed, angry, depressed- eat everything.

I'm done with college and the college boyfriend, but the binging and eating my feelings is still a problem. I hate my job and I don't like the city I currently live in, so I eat. my current beaux and I take long lunches together and cover up how much we hate our jobs with mexican food and deli treats.

I recently saw a number on the scale that I made a promise to myself I wouldn't see unless I was pregnant. I know that my happiness will not be defined by a number, but my health can be so I need to change that number. I don't need to change it so that society won't judge me, so I can land a man, or so I can look sexy in a bikini. I need to change it so I can go up the 4 flights of stairs to my office without feeling winded. I need to change it so that I don't feel tired all the time.  I need to change it so that I have control over something in my life.

My plan for this blog is to share what I love about good food, but also to help myself on the road to a new number. I want to type my feelings instead of eating them. You can expect tales about life, love, work, breakfast, lunch and dinner. It will be a food journal, a confessional, and a rant.
Bon Appetite!

New Blog

New blog, new outlook on life? Sort of.
I've decided I don't like the current blogging site I'm using: http://tngraham87.livejournal.com/. I want something less myspace looking, and something more accessible. All of the blogs I follow are on here, so it makes sense. I'm going to focus on blogging this time around and write at least twice a week minimum. My focus is definitely going to be on food and my relationship with it. I'll also throw in some political/ current events stuff, some things related to my job, and if you're lucky some of the juicy tidbits about my personal life.
I'm actually pretty excited about it and think I will find it very cathartic. It's late tonight, and I have to be at work early in the am, so I will write my first real entry on saturday.